By Mike Lerner

A very early MEL member, retired Rabbi Alan Bregman, asked a key question at a meeting, ”Are you having as much trouble in retirement as I am having?” As a result of this simple question, a portion of each monthly meeting became devoted to the frank discussion of topics that men were not used to talking about—their feelings. After Alan passed, this became “The Bregman Hour,” where personal problems and issues were openly shared. Later, with the passing of Melman, Jack Grossman, a psychologist, who helped us understand our feelings, it  became the “Bregman-Grossman Hour.”

So, Rabbi Bregman suggested we talk about things men usually shy away from, and Dr. Grossman often gave us insights regarding issues affecting men. MEL was very lucky to have such men among our founding fathers. This frank discussion became a unique characteristic of MEL and still is to this day. It differentiates us from the other Five Families, and it probably contributes to our group’s cohesion.

Let’s be clear here. Melmen are not a bunch of touchy-feely weaklings, constantly worried, and wringing our hands. Far from it; our mix of 160 plus unique personalities exhibits every type of behavior common to men of our age and times. And, collectively, we have encountered almost every life problem that can be imagined. We also have, however, enough sense and experience to know that emotions are key drivers in our lives.

In MEL we have the rare opportunity to sometimes share the emotional part of our lives in a safe space—to our mutual benefit. It turns out the Bregman-Grossman portions of our meetings are uplifting, helpful, informative, useful and life- affirming. And they provide an opportunity for Melmen to be supportive of fellow members.

And they are PRIVATE and not shared outside the room. So, for example, because we almost always have Zoomers at our meetings for reasons of distance or health, the Zoomed portion of the meeting ends before the Bregman-Grossman conversation begins. Thus spouses, et al. are not inadvertently included.

A final note: the Bregman-Grossman Hour is not a time to discuss politics, religion, world issues, business, or health insurance. Over the years, we  have discussed the loss of a child, the loss of a spouse, raising gay children, becoming a caregiver for a spouse, how to apportion assets to the next generation, siblings who don’t get along, overcoming disappointments and setbacks, relationships, issues with how we were raised, and much more.

Importantly, no-one is ever required to speak. It turns out we can share silently as well.

Who has something they need to talk about?